Commercials!
by Kairi 'Shadow Sage' Taylor
Summary: A collection of wacky commercials featuring your favorite SNK & Capcom characters, which prove that I have no place in sane advertising


Commercials

By Kairi Taylor, with some added material from Shingo Yabuki & Nyu Bomber

Disclaimer: Capcom, Playmore, Eolith, Namco & all other respective companies hold the copyrights

(Sakura's home, Sakura is sitting at home with her brother & parents in the background. Guy is standing in the view of the audience wearing a business suit.)  
  
Guy: Modern insurance agencies can provide for a multitude of different things these days. Fires, quakes, auto accidents, natural disasters. But there is one thing they have not prepared for yet. Ninja attacks.  
  
(A trio of ninjas swoop down & attack. Sakura easily mops the floor with them as her family watches.)  
  
Sakura: DAMN IT!!!  
Guy: But now there is hope…Kasukabe Insurance Conglomerate now offers their 5 year Ninja Protection Plan!!  
  
(A city street. Chun Li walks to the store, accompanied by a man in a samurai outfit.)  
  
Guy: With Kasukabe's plan, you will have 25 hour protection against the possibility of ninjas attacking your person.   
  
(A ninja tries to attack, but is cut down with little effort.)  
  
Guy: We employ many measures to insure you are protected against the swift & lethal fury of ninjitsu's feared messengers of death.  
  
(An arcade. Kyo is watching Yuki play DDR as a swarm of ninjas surround him.)  
  
Guy: For instance, we employ our very own ninjas to counteract a rival clan's attack.)  
  
(Hotsuma leaps in & proceeds to hand all of the ninjas their asses. Kyo gives him thumbs up & Hotsuma returns the favor as he disappears.)  
  
Guy: We also provide our valued customer with the latest in home security measures. For no one wants to go into a home where a ninja ambush lies in wait.)  
  
(A small home at night where Dan is sitting. A ninja tries to slip into his home through his window…but is unprepared for the large mallet that crushes his hopes…as well as his vertebrae.)  
  
Guy: And if case you are in danger of being targeted by an ninja clan for killing one of their own & insulting their honor, one of our in house agents will gladly resolve the problem for you.  
  
(A ninja castle. Ralf & Clark are dispensing insurance justice on an unlucky clan of ninjas with guns & knives, while Leona, maintaining her calm demeanor, throws explosives at her enemies.)  
  
Guy: So, don't be a victim to unwanted ninja assaults. Call Kasukabe today & inquire about our Ninja Protection Plan today.  
  
(A group of ninjas surround Guy, but he disappears before their eyes.)  
  
Ninja: Where'd he go?  
  
(A few seconds later, the ninjas are pulverized by Guy who reappears & pulverizes them. He straightens his tie & walks away.)

(Bao is sitting on a park bench.)  
  
Bao: Like many young men, there is one thing that I can't stand: being hassled by perverted fangirls & fanboys who take the Saigado doujins WAY too seriously. But there's hope. There's PERV-BE-GONE!  
  
(holds up a spray can.)  
  
Bao: With Perv-Be-Gone, I can instantly repel the perverted, illegal advances from an overzealous person. Like so.   
  
(Angel, Zangief & Eagle slowly try to creep up on Bao. Bao sprays them & they instantly run away.)  
  
Bao: See? Easy but effective.  
  
(Sakura is on a train. All of the males have retreated to either ends of the train as she sprays.)  
  
Sakura: With Perv-Be-Gone, my commuting has becoming extremely hassle free!  
  
(Kasumi & Hitomi spray around their volleyball court. Zack faints.)  
  
Kasumi: Now we can enjoy our volleyball game in piece!  
Hitomi: Thanks Perv-Be-Gone!  
  
(Taylor & Palidor spray all around the CVs Social Lounge.)  
  
S. Taylor: I FULLY ENDORSE THIS PRODUCT!!!  
Palidor: Me too.  
  
(Iori keeps Vice at bay with the spray.)  
  
Iori: It used to be hard to control Vice when she had those...primal urges. But with Perv-Be-Gone, I can finally plot my revenge against Kyo in peace.  
Vice: You have a better chance at scoring with me than beating Kyo in a fight.  
Iori: ...on second thought, a little sex never hurt anyone.  
  
(throws away can as he & Vice tear off their clothes in a lust induced frenzy.)  
  
Bao: Order yours today!

(Karin is walking on the street.)  
  
Karin: Ever wanted to know where anime girls keep their most prized possession, the mallet? Ever wondered where Heero Yuy keeps his handy pistol? Well now the secrets of the pros are yours with Hammerspace For Dummies!!  
  
(King & Mature are reading the book on a park bench.)  
  
Karin: With Hammerspace For Dummies, you too will learn the secrets of storing your most vital of items in a small, private pocket universe. We'll start you off small, like with miniture hammers....  
  
(Ryo & Robert are arguing over a piece of sushi. Yuri walks by & bops them on the head with a small hammer pulled out of nowhere.)   
  
Karin: ...then you'll gradually work your way up to standard mallets used for punishing perverts.  
Benimaru: Hey baby, that's a nice tight outfit you got there...  
R. Mika: GET AWAY, YOU BLONDE HAIRED PERVERT!!! (pulls out a mallet & smashes Benimaru into the sky.)  
Karin: And yes girls, we'll even show you speciality mallets used to punish your significant other.  
  
(Mai & Andy are walking down the street. Morrigan passes by wearing a halter top.)  
  
Andy: Oh...my.  
  
(Mai smashes him into the ground with a mallet with hiragana on it. Translated, it reads 'Andy You Jerk!')  
  
Karin: You'll also learn how to store other vital weapons in Hammerspace to be used in any situations from everyday items...  
  
(Iori pulls a bottle of hair gel from nowhere & applies it to his head.)  
  
Karin: To advanced weaponry.  
NES: Why am I here?  
F. Dave: Ok...we'll give it to you straight, NES....  
Shingo: This portion really isn't a commercial.  
S. Taylor: It's an intervention. We want you to stop writing half assed stories!! You're only hurting yourself & others.  
NES: You're not gonna hurt me?  
S. Taylor: We're not...  
  
(Palidor pulls out a Zero Sword & attacks NES.)  
  
F. Dave: But she on the other hand...  
Karin: Order your book today!

(A Chinese restaurant. The talking M&Ms are sitting down.)  
  
Yellow: Hey, this is a pretty nice place to eat.  
Red: Yeah, South Town's got some pretty nice places to eat. But I wonder why Green said she wouldn't come with us?  
  
(Xiangfei walks by & notices them.)  
  
Xiangfei: Oh...my...GOD!!! THE BIGGEST PIECES OF CANDY & THEY'RE ALL MINE!!!  
Red: Now we know.  
Yellow: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!  
  
(Xiangfei gives chase to the candies all over South Town. Eventually she loses them as they duck into an amusement park.)  
  
Red: That was close!  
Yellow: Yeah, it doesn't get any worse!  
Raiden: THIS ROUND!!!  
Red: Or maybe it does...  
Raiden: I'LL DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE!!!  
  
(The two candies run from Raiden.)  
  
Announcer: M&Ms...melt in your mouth, not in your hand.  
Red: We're not letting that fat boy testing that theory out!!

Kensou: Are you like me? Do you worship the ground that Athena walks on? Well, there is hope for you. There is 'Popstars Anoymonous'!  
  
(Jhun is sitting in a group with a whole bunch of guys.)  
  
Jhun: I am Jhun & I am addicted to all things Athena!  
Kensou: Idol wordhip can lead to all sorts of obsession & psychotic behavior. With this therapy group, we can help you to get over such temptation.  
Vice: At night I used to light a few candles next to my shrine...then I would...  
Chang: Your Iori fixation scares me.  
Vice: I was actually referring to my Britney Spears fixation.  
Kensou: And we'll start you on the road to music that you can readily enjoy.  
  
(Korn Concert)  
  
Jonathan Davis: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK THIS BITCH?!!!!  
Jhun: Cannonball!! (Kensou & Jhun stage dive into the crowd and mix it up in the mosh pit.)  
Kensou: Join us today!!!  
Jhun: WATCH THAT HAND BUDDY!!!

Contributed by Nyu Bomber

random bathroom, May Lee walks in and starts examining her teeth in the mirror*  
  
ML: Aw, I think I have piece of spinach in my teeth.  
  
Kim: *casually walks in* Have bad breath? Are your teeth stained? Are they lacking that special "ping"?   
  
ML: ;_ How did you get into my house!?  
  
Kim: That is not important right now. What IS important is getting your teeth the whitest they can be, just like mine! And you can do it, too, using "Kim's Korean Brand Super Toothpaste"! The "Super" means it's super!  
  
ML: Let me try that! *puts some of the toothpaste on her toothbrush and starts brushing*  
  
Kim: While May Lee here is testing it out, let's cut to the lab to find out what makes "Kim's Korean brand Super Toothpaste" so SUPER!  
  
*cut to a lab made out of cardboard and marker drawings*  
  
Choi: *in a lab coat* Kim's Korean Band Super Toothpaste has a secret ingredient called "Chemical S," and that is what makes it so SUPER!  
  
Chang: *in a ripped lab coat* And it comes in 6 fun flavors, too! Orange, Cherry, Cinnamon, Grape, Strawberry, and NEW Minty Freshness!  
  
Choi: Back to you, Kim!  
  
*cuts back to May lee's bathroom*  
  
Kim: So, May Lee, are you satisfied with your try-out of "Kim's Korean Brand Super Toothpaste"?  
  
ML: *washes her face* I sure am Kim! It's SUPER! *thumbs up and smile "PING"*  
  
Kim: There you have it folks! But, if you are not convinved yet that "Kim's Korean Brand Super Toothpaste" is SUPER, here are some testimonials!  
  
*cut to Balrog at a club*  
  
Balrog: Becuze of "Kim's Korean Brand Super Toothpaste", I got PAID!! *smiles*  
  
*cut to Benimaru with a bunch of schoolgirls*  
  
Beni: "Kim's Korean Brand Super Toothpaste" is the secret to my success! Thanks, Kim! *smiles*  
  
*cuts back to ML's bathroom*  
  
Kim: If that didn't convince you, you're going to get a visit from me and my Tae Kwan Do Magic! So make the smart choice and buy now! *smile and "PING*  
  
ML: "Kim's Korean Brand Super Toothpaste" is #1 !!!

(A garage somewhere. Billy Kane is strumming some chords on his guitar.)  
  
Billy: Ah, bloody 'ell! The poor sodding thing's done for. How can I ever replace it?  
  
(Suddenly, a shaft of light appears in front of Billy. Gill steps out, dressed in a leather coat & torn jeans, holding a black guitar.)  
  
Gill: I am more than a god...I'M A FRIGGIN MONSTER OF ROCK!!! (jams out the cords to Metallica's 'Call of The Kthulu')  
Billy: HOLY CRAP MATE!!!  
Gill: That's right. You too can be a full fledged Monster of Rock with your very own Divine Guitar!!! With this sacred Axe of Rock, you too can scar the DNA of thy fans with righteous Metal Might!!!  
  
(Gill hands Billy a guitar. Billy belts out the tune to Motorhead's 'Ace of Spades'. All the windows in the neighborhood break.)  
  
Gill: Forget those other guitar makers! Only mines contain the power needed to blow the freakng roof off of any house you play!  
  
(On cue, the roof of one house collapses. Kyo walks in, guitar strapped to his back.)  
  
Kyo: KICK ASS!!!  
Gill: Remember, Divine Guitars!! Because you're more badass than any sissy boy band.  
  
(Iori is chasing *NSync with his guitar raised over his head.)  
  
Iori: Makes a great weapon for the HC matches too!

Fade in to a city in Japan where all the people running are in a panic. The film is in B&W.)  
  
Narrator: Ladies & gentlemen, it's a monster more terrifying than Godzilla! More destructive than Rodan!! More bloodthirtsy than King Ghidorah!!!  
  
(A 70 ft Chang stomps through the city, looking confused.)  
  
Chang: Has anyone seen my lunch?  
Narrator: It's....**ATTACK OF THE 70 ft CHANG!!!**  
  
**GASP!** As Chang tears through the nation's military!!!  
  
(Chang is swatting away tanks & choppers like there's no tomorrow.)  
  
Chang: Damnit, I'm telling ya, I'm innocent this time!!!  
  
**SHRIEK!** As the mad scientist unleashes his plot to rule the world!  
  
(Heihachi is on a laboratory, laughing maniacally.)  
  
Heihachi: With my giant Chang running amok, nothing will stop me from ruling the world!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Laugh with me sons!  
Kazuya: I hate you so much right now.  
Lee: Is that even possible?  
Jin: Screw you guys, I got a date with Xiaouyou!  
  
**WATCH!!!!** As our intrepid heroes go out to save mankind!  
  
Kim: You are a mad scientist! Mad scientists are evil!! **EVIL IS UNFORGIVABLE!!!**  
Choi: Thanks to you, that fat ass will eat EVERYTHING in town! Do you know how much he can drink now?  
Heihachi: Hey, it's my evil plot, deal with it!  
Chang: BUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!  
  
**CHEER!!!** As Japan uses it's ultimate weapon!  
  
Sakura: Go on Dan, do it!  
Dan: ...why me? Very well...(strikes dramatic poses similar to Ginyu & Great Saiyaman.) GANBARE HIBIKI-DAIGOH!!!!  
  
(Dan grows to the same size as Chang, complete with goofy Ultraman like uniform.)  
  
Dan: HYPER HIBIKI-DAIGOH GO!!!! (strikes another pose!)  
Narrator: **ATTACK OF THE 70 ft CHANG!!!** SEE IT TODAY!!!

Contributed by Shingo Yabuki (don't ask about the conspiracy…you'd have to be at the message boards to understand…)

Announcer: Kids, do you wanna be the COOLEST kids on your block!?  
  
Kids: Eh, whatever. _;  
  
Announcer:*grins* I knew you would! Now, introducing... The Shingo Yabuki Fully Posable Action Figure!!  
  
*cut to picture of a plush doll that looks like me*  
  
Kids: That looks lame. _  
  
Announcer: But, it has so many features! For example, it can talk! *pulls the doll's string*  
  
Shingo Doll: KANEDAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! @_@;  
  
Kids:*cringe* That hurts our ears...  
  
Announcer: Oh, shut up. You think these things are easy to come up with? _  
  
Shingo Doll: PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! x_x;  
  
Announcer: Man, I love this thing. *gives camera a thumbs up as the kids roll their eyes*  
  
Shingo Doll: DAMN YOU, GAMESPOT!! AND THOSE DANCING GORONS, TOO!! @_@

(Hinata's home. Hinata walks in & leaves her bookbag on the floor, then goes into the kitchen & fishes out a box of Pop Tarts Snax Stix.)  
  
Mom: How was your day, Hinata?  
  
(Hinata reflects on her day...)  
  
Earlier...  
  
(Hinata is sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a samurai warrior in full gear walks by, punches himself in the kisser & walks away again.)  
  
Hinata: Just fine. Nothing unusual.  
Announcer: Pop Tarts Snax Stix. Now in frosted super cherry.

(The Sakazaki household. Yuri is walking into the kitchen as Takuma is working at the stove.)  
  
Yuri: What's that smell?  
Takuma: I'm cooking my world famous Beef 'n Pork Sukiyaki tonight!  
  
(Yuri blinks & looks at her watch.)  
  
Yuri: Three, two, one....(A flame plume goes into Takuma's face as Ryo enters with a cell phone.)  
Ryo: I made reservations.  
Narrator: Everyone looks for an excuse to go to Outback Steakhouse! Now try our triple 30 oz. porkchops and french fries combo for $19.00!  
  
(Ryo, Takuma & Yuri are at a table in Outback Steakhouse. King sits right next to Ryo. Takuma's face is bandaged up.)  
  
King: Sukiyaki night?  
Ryo: Sadly, yes. -_-  
Yuri: Yum. One pound of steak.

(Chang & Honda are working at a construction site.)  
  
Chang: Sure is hot.  
Honda: I know.  
  
(Suddenly, a large cannon ball shoots right through Chang, leaving a huge gaping hole.)  
  
Chang: Whoa...now where did THAT come from?  
Honda: Oh that? Just those pirates that are working next door.  
Vyse: Sorry 'bout that. Say, why don't I treat you to a Mike's Hard Lemonade?  
Chang: Sure.  
Honda: Ok. But we gotta get that treated.  
Chang: Nah, I'll be fine.  
  
(Cut to a bar with Chang, Honda & Vyse buying three Mike's Hard Lemonade.)  
  
Announcer: A hard day calls for a hard lemonade.  
  
(As Chang drinks, some of it escapes from the hole in his body.)  
  
Announcer: Make it Mikes's!!!

That's all for now!!!


End file.
